Skylanders are stealing my life.

They've invented hard core drugs for 6-8yo boys.  They're called Skylanders.  Small Heave loves them with a passion.  I've even got him doing the laundry to earn money to buy the things, but at £8 to £16 a pop, they suck his money out of his pocket and time from his life.

See what I mean about the correlation with hard core drugs?  Hell yeah.

One night while having a major bout of insomnia, I started my own game.  I am now addicted.  I have my own Skylander called Hot Dog and he's hidden in the cupboard where Small Heave can't find it.  This is ridiculous behaviour for a middle aged woman.

Ode To Skylanders

I may be pushing forty
or maybe a little more
but those little bits of plastic
strewn upon the back room floor
hold a dirty little secret
as when dark takes over light
I come down when they're sleeping
and I play the game all night.

Summat a bit sentimental for a Friday Night

I live in a beautiful part of the world.  Mountains, lakes and the seaside all rolled into one.  Usually I'm too pissed off that its raining to appreciate the beauty though.  I'm the same generally with love and sentimentality so it doesn't appear much in my poems.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that its unlikely I'll post another sentimental-ish poem on here, so appreciate it while you can.

Ode with sentimental undertones.

I can see a long way from my window, the fields and trees before me
Misty in the morning and clear when in the sun.
I can see the birds when flying, I can see those landed calling
from the first new light of morning to the setting of the sun.

I don't often see what's near me, though its nearer than the mountains
That I can see so clearly from my window every day
I often miss what's close to me and hurt the things that I don't see
but still I'd rather miss you here than see you far away.

Some thing are simply meant to be
seen, and others not
Some things are just the way they are
and change them you can not.
So when I see things close to me
and know just what they mean to me
I learn to not look far away
and cherish what I've got.

I can see a long way from my window, the fields and trees before me
Misty in the morning and clear when in the sun.
But I can see much more than this by using more than just my eyes
I see that which is closer than the mountains and the sky

Friday in the office

Everyone gets a bit weekend happy in the office on a Friday. Sadly, this Friday I have a to-list the size of an elephant, so am not exactly Mrs. Tolerant.  At least pigeon man has flown the nest for the day. I should be grateful for that at least!

Ode to an Office Friday

While all the little minions shirk,

Shut up says I, I'm trying to work!

But what on Monday works quite well

Is so-so in my Friday hell.

Clubbing together.

Clubbing used to be late nights, dancing and talking crap for hours with strangers.  Now it refers to after school activity hell. Whoop and hooray for middle age and children.

Ode to the After School Club

It's kind of sweaty in the gym

With all the parents looking in

I know my child is having fun

I'm not, but I'm a waiting mum

Strange way to emphasise a point Saatchi.

I don't often do sleb or topical stuff, but frankly after seeing the photos of Saatchi abusing (for that is what it was) his wife in public, then reading his statement that he grabbed her by the throat to emphasise a point, I wondered how stupid he thinks people actually are.

Then I remembered about victim blaming and how some folk will think she deserved it, or wound him up, or, or, or....

Ode to Saatchi the Domestic Abuser

Saatchi oh Saatchi
you vile little fella
I watch as you blame
that attack on Nigella.
There's never a reason
to grab by the throat
you nasty abuser
you vile little scroat.

Dear god you are lucky
that in our society
violence on women
can't bring notoriety
dammit its always
the victim who's blamed
though you're the aggressor
its her who'll be shamed.

Saatchi oh Saatchi
I see your reliance
to control your woman
you resort to violence.
You controlling arsehole
you nasty old loser
we know what's inside you,
you violent abuser.

Bohemian Mumsnetty

Mumsnet is my second home.  I moved in there a few years ago and have found the rent very reasonable and the company mostly enjoyable.  Lots of my odes over the past few years have been for my Mumsnet friends and this one is no different.

Quick translation for those not in the know:

Luff / luffs / luffly = love, loves, lovely.
AIBU = Am I being unreasonable, the site's holding pen for keyboard warriors.
Greggs sausage roll = Greggs is a bakers in the UK.  My town is tiny, but still manages to support 3 Greggs.  If you can wrap it in pastry, you can buy it in Greggs.
Flounce = leave the site in a huff, usually posting a "so long, I can't take it anymore" post in Flouncers' Corner.

Bohemian Mumsnetty
Look how my life's changed
Since having the baby
I'm overwhelmed
By the choices that now face me
I'll go on line to have a whine and see
There is a forum
It holds answers for me

Because its baby come, baby grow
Toddler strop, school they go
Evil smelly teens then
Nest is empty again
You see.

Mumsnet, just fed my child
On a Gregg’s sausage roll
When he's just turned 6 months old

Mumsnet I've just had a race
Crashed my car into the last
Parent - child space

Mumsnet Oooooh
How did I miss that…
My husband was a lying cheating twat?
His affairs
Carried on
Should I just leave the bastard?

Too late, I have to go
I'm on here every night; I'm addicted to the site
Goodbye everybody; AIBU?
Going hide you threads and post in somewhere new.
Mumsnet Ooooh
I don't want to flounce
But sometimes wish I'd never logged on at all...

I see a little silhouette of a clique
No not us! No not us! We are really quiet lovely!
Put all the in-jokes on: Purpose of the thread gone eek!

You're so luffly
No your're luffly
You're so luffly
No YOU'RE luffly
You're so luffly
Luffs you so!

I'm gonna blow!

I'm just a step mum nobody loves me
She's just a step mum from a step family
Must not complain about her DSD.

Trends may come trends may go, Per Una is no
Yes Boden, though Per Una is a no
(it’s a no) Yes Boden! Per Una is a no
(it’s a no) Yes Boden! Per una is a no
(it’s a no) Una is a no
(It's a no) Una is a no (its a no) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Style and Beauty, Style and Beauty, Style and Beauty let me go
Beelzebub has some Mum Boots put aside for me
For me
For meeeeeeee!

(Mosh)

So you think your opion on here's all that?
Be it feeding or homework or kids who are fat?
Oh, baby, better breastfeed that baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

But! Then we help each other, giving time for free,
That's what really matters,
That's what really matters to me...

In Bohemiam Mumsnet-eeeeeeeee!

The morning after the night before

Sometimes when you get to the end of an evening of eating and boozing with your friends, it suddenly seems like a good idea to drink whatever's left in the bottom of the bottles in your drinks cabinet.  It's never a good idea, is it?

Ode to Bad Ideas with Alcohol

Jack Daniels send you loopy
and absinthe can make you blind
but they're best not drunk together
of your sense you will not find
when the day after the party
where you thought you'd sink a few
and you wake up in your nighty
Someone's t-shirt and one shoe.